Mukund Hari.
The roar of the audience when we crowned Mukund Hari the champion of Spoons 2k16 is still ringing in our ears. It is moments like these that we live for and moments like these that we'll remember for a lifetime. There was definitely no shortage of action today -- for us, for our 3 Spooners, and for all of you. All things said and done, we think it went fairly well, by our standards at least. For those of you were in Hawaii or out touring colleges, sit tight as we walk you through what exactly went down on this hype, hype day. This was one for the books.
If we are to go through it all in chronological order, we must begin in the morning. At around 7:00 AM, the three of us gathered at Kenny's house to deal with the mighty balloon arch, which we had no way of fitting into any sort of vehicle. All the other materials we had bought and packed into our cars the night before -- apples, flour, trays, cards, spatulas, water balloons, plates, whipped cream, rope. You had no idea how scared we were about forgetting something. Hoisting the balloon arch like a nuclearly-radiated caterpillar, the three of us embarked on the long and awkward trek to Lynbrook. Basically every car that drove by us slowed down to stare as we dodged trees and, for part of the trip, took up the entire bike lane. As we pulled it into the ASB Den, we prayed that the balloon with the Golden Spoon within would not pop.
After impatiently sitting through the first classes of the day, we met up again during Tutorial with our professional commentator Tim Sireci to go over the events of the Finale. At the same time, we took protective measures with the Golden Toilet Plunger and stashed it in our closet under a mound of dirty cloth. During fifth period, Rags and Ethan pulled through with setting up all the mats, buckets, bins, props, and balloons. Meanwhile, Kenny sat in Japanese class nervously pretending to go to the trash can every few minutes to check the progress. Kitchen Sensei, you are a bro.
Minutes after the bell rang, the audience poured in, and we were scrambling to get ready. Apparently, one of the camera stands had gone missing. While we were waiting for that to arrive, our three Finalists also went missing. Items were misplaced, whipped cream was not prepared, and confusion ensued. Fortunately, we got our shit together, tied up our Spooners, and commenced the final day of Spoons with a casual roasting of Kenny's skinny arms. Then, the Spooners, where we roasted Mukund, un-roasted Rohit, and semi-roasted Dara.
Upon closer inspection, we realize he is NOT 4 foot zero and a half. He's actually taller than both Ethan and Rags. Rohit DHAMANKAAAR
We hope he's not bringing his soccer game to this Finale, because if so the Senior Prom bids will surely slip through his hands. Mukund HAAAAARIIIII
He's only here to take a picture of the actual Spoons winner... Let's hope it's a selfie. Dara JOVKAAAR
When we introduced the Spooners, we thought the administrators were going to kill us. In fact, the whole time, we were scared they were going to just jump up and pull the plug. Okay, maybe some of the activities we did weren't strictly “safe”. And okay, maybe it would've been nice if we had approved everything with them instead of vaguely telling them that we'd be having “a pretty simple obstacle course in the quad”. But you know what? It was all worth it.
After introducing the games -- which was pretty fun, because we could hear all of you freaking out each time we explained the next station -- we let the games begin. Honestly, the best way to experience the hype is to watch the video footage (shoutout to Raymond for getting some sick close-up shots).
Our favorite moments? It was quite interesting to see the various strategies used during the first leg, the convict racing. We think Dara's butt-crawling strategy was the most effective, though Rohit rolled pretty convincingly and Mukund somehow managed to hop while sitting down. This, of course, was after they all rolled over one another at the start of the race. We could feel the administrators cringing upon us.
Not going to lie, we felt a little bad for them when they got to the bobbing-for-apples station. They look like drenched dogs. It was pretty disgusting, but in the moment it was intense as hell. Thought it was a little peculiar when Rohit spit out a cleanly bitten chunk of apple from the bucket, followed by the rest of it.
Leg three was a little scary. Dara ended up on the ground after spinning around, and the others were tilting and leaning at angles of probably 45 degrees to the horizontal. After the initial dizziness, however, none of them really dropped a water balloon. So we had a lot of water balloons left after. Which administration was a little concerned about after, because it apparently isn't a good thing for high schoolers to arm themselves with plastic pouches of water. By the way, administrators, if you're reading this... We're totally just joking around here.
Leg four was an odd one. Rohit somehow disappeared into the cafeteria, perhaps thinking we had literal pies that were in the literal oven. That set him back a good 10 seconds or so, giving Mukund a slight lead. No idea where Dara was. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that the moment before the pie reached our faces was truly terrifying. We could see the intensity and ferocity in our competitors' eyes as they ran towards us, full speed. We thought they were going to smash the bridges of our noses. It actually didn't hurt that much when the whipped cream slapped us across the cheeks, though the sour smell accompanied us for hours afterwards. It's going to be a while before we willingly consume that stuff again.
Leg five was pure aggression. Mukund and Rohit were tearing apart balloons with their bare hands, while Dara resourcefully grabbed some tools to help (we were purposely vague about the instructions for this one). Somehow, Mukund and Dara had wrapped Rohit up in the balloon arch. If they had pulled, Rohit probably would've been sliced up like a sausage.
And then Mukund emerged with the spoon. And the rest is history.
One interesting thing that did happen, however, occurred on our way out of school after sixth period. As we exited the front gate, Mukund sprinted past us. When he saw us, he yelled “GUYS I THINK I LOST THE TOILET PLUNGER” before running off to who knows where. Looking back to our congratulatory words for him at the end of lunch, “negligence” truly does define his Spoons career.
Dara Jovkar. It's amazing how he made it to the finale, even after all those times Han tried to destroy him. From the time he analyzed the juice content of Dara's lemon (which was the biggest dispute we've had all season) to the time Han sent agents after him with video recording devices, Dara's flirted with death more than most. Even after making it to the finale, he was one of the last ones to make it through the resource gathering competition, and barely grazed past Ryan in the tiebreaker trivia round (where we had to brainstorm an additional 3 questions)! It's easy to see that Dara's tendency of barely advancing wasn't just due to luck, but rather the ice in his veins, making him a clutch god. Sure you want to keep shooting photos and running track Dara? There may be a basketball career for you out there. In our final finale, Dara started out very strong, scooting his way across the mats with a calm disposition. He got through the apple bobbing quickly as well, but struggled on the bat spin. However, Dara quickly recovered and made it to the top to pop balloons with a pen, innovate thinking at it's finest Lynbrook.
Rohit. We knew he were a lock for the Finale when he killed Alvin. Twice. The first time at Stober Field, but he was shafted by technicalities. However, Rohit's inner savage came out and he stayed relentless. Going on to camp inside the bathroom (yes inside) with Alvin the entire lunch period before calming strolling out with him and killing him on the spot. Of course the animal in Rohit's blood continued to flow freely, as he consistently placed in the top spots on each of our final days. Rohit started slow on the first challenge, but persevered and did extremely well on the last two items, a phone that is not smart and a freshman. In the trivia round, Rohit really impressed us when he was only 1 off on our Domino's pizza question, clearly he has the eyes of an eagle. Rohit also started out our finale finale strong, maneuvering into a log roll to get across the mats with ease, even when he was rolled over by Mukund. Rohit did well on the apple bobbing and was the first to finish the bat spin, but took a wrong turn when going to get the pies from the oven. However Rohit took advantage of his soccer conditioning and caught up shortly after Mukund made it to the top.
To address a few things that people have been wondering... Yes, Dara is feeling just fine. When he went into the ASB Den, he was not having a break down. He had just cut himself a little above the eyebrow and was washing off all the flour slime from his face and glasses. No, we did not “script” the winner of Spoons and the Top Spooner. The only script we have is the one we'll show you right now -- the the script of all three Finale days. You overestimate how much we care about the identity of the winners of this game. No, the toilet plunger was not gold when we got it. Yes, the “Senior Prom bids” were written on binder paper. Yes, it took us a long-ass time to scrub and clean everything after the event. But based on the reactions we got, everything that happened today -- and everything that we've worked for in these past few months -- has been so worth it. Thank you to all who helped clean up, by the way (shoutout to Will and Sally, especially)!
Thank You!
On the topic of thank-yous... No, that ending poem was not just an attempt to fix our image (though if it did, excellent). We know this Goderator persona makes us sound like tools, but at the end of the day we really do appreciate everyone who's helped make this possible. You can watch the video clips to hear the full thing, or read below for a more written-out version.
We have to begin with thanking Mr. Ramirez. We don't know why he got so into Spoons, but he's been bro-ing us out without us even asking. He has always had our backs, served as our head of security, helped us transport the mats, and encouraged us to pursue this crazy, over-the-top Finale. Thank you Mr. Kitchen for loaning us your whiteboards, markers, and words of wisdom. To Mrs. Badger for supporting us at the time we needed it the most. And we do have to thank the rest of Lynbrook administration -- especially Mrs. Goldstein and Ms. Jackson -- for being patient with our shenanigans and supporting us throughout the process.
A huge shout-out goes to Tim Sireci, who we handpicked to commentate all three days of the Finale. We actually didn't get to hear his brilliant words today since we were so caught up in the action, but we'll go back and take a listen. We're sure it'll be like listening to poetry in motion. Thank you Mel Chen for being our resident balloon arch expert, and for carrying us three class officers who could hardly tie balloons. Ethan couldn't at all by the end. Thank you to Jennie Li and the rest of the cheer team for loaning us your mats on such a short notice.
Thanks to Raymond, Dara, and Evan for filming every single thing that happened and being the best media team a class could have. We're especially proud of Raymond for shooting the third Finale video with such precision and quick thinking in fixing up the glidecam. We are impressed and indebted to you.
And, of course, to Ghanshyam for single-handedly running all the technology, dealing with errors, hooking up our mics, running our music. Our three Finale days would be nothing without his dedication, reliability, and patience. G-Pat, you're the shat.
Finally, thanks to all our Spooners for bringing life to this game and forming the stories that we have now come to know as The Daily Cannon. And all of you for following us along the way and reminding us why we continue to do the things we do.
Last Words (But Not Really...)
Speaking of why we do the things we do, we should probably explain that last phrase we said at the end. No, not the “It's been real Lynbrook / Thanks for sticking with us throughout. / This concludes Spoons2k16 / We are your Goderators, signing out.” Though that stanza did give us the feels. The part right after, when we all went “HUUUUUUUU.” It's from this lovely video, which went viral on Vine for a little while after everyone started applying the voicemail audio to different things.
Anyway, what happens now? First, we're going to take a nap. No, not together. But if we did, who are you to judge? After that, we'll cry a little. This is the end of what was a beautiful journey for us. And then we'll prepare ourselves to write one last article tomorrow. There's a long story that we have yet to cover, that we've been saving for the end. Once that's done? It's truly time to say good-bye. Until then!