Bruce Lee, Renee Borges, Andy Zhang, Grace Lam, Shailja Somani.
With the 43rd annual Cal High School Speech and Debate Tournament approaching this weekend, many of Lynbrook's finest speechers and debaters are undoubtedly worrying about finishing their research and mentally preparing themselves to face their opponents. Just kidding, let's be real here -- we know a good amount of you don't care the slightest and are entirely ready to YOLO it because it's second semester and it's the start of break and you're a high school student who would much rather play Clash of Clans and watch Arrow than devote time to activities that prepare you for a successful future. But just play along with us for now.
In any case, two of them are fortunate enough to have one less thing to worry about, now that their Spoons careers are over. Today, we'll be doing a double headline because some stories are just too good to pass up. And because we have some never-before-seen Worldstar-esque video footage! With each story, we'll be analyzing the details holistically and objectively -- as we always do -- to take away important lessons that may help you in Spoons and in life. Because we care.
Victim one: Shailja. According to sources, she was in the library at lunch multitasking. As in taking part in an interview for the Epic while micromanaging people on what to tell the Berkeley Hotel through the phone while posting a form onto Facebook. Looking back at what we just typed, we now realize that something is clearly wrong about our information. But since “accuracy” is not one of the tenets of The Daily Cannon, nothing is wrong. As she was scrambling around probably more lost than Christopher Columbus in 1492, her killer took advantage of the situation and stuck a sticker on her swiftly and silently. “IDEFK what happened...” she is reported to have said following her demise. Same, Shailja, same.
Lesson? Being responsible never pays off.
Victim two: Andy. On his way out of third period, he noticed a buzzing in his pocket. Whipping it out, he read the title of the email: “Financial Aid Decision”. As he stepped out of the door, eyes glued to his screen, his killer allegedly stared at him for a good 10 to 20 seconds looking for a spoon in his hands. He didn't stand a chance. We could elaborate more, but we feel that this video footage of his subsequent reaction speaks louder than words (note, the killer's voice has been distorted to preserve his/her identity).
Oops, should've warned you about the profanity. We think this is what they call “popping off”. Love you, Andy.
Lesson? Financial Aid isn't worth it.
We hope the unfortunate fates of these two debaters and the lessons we were able to take away will help all of you in the long run. To all speechers and debaters competing at Berkeley this weekend, we wish you the best of luck (for real)! To our legion of crash test dummies coming to school for the first Immunity, smile for the cameras!