Eric Cheng, Lauren Platzker, Dorothy Lin, Urbi Saha.
We admit, we had our doubts about all of you over this break. We honestly thought you'd all just go into hibernation and hide from the cruel, cruel outside world. But you have not only embraced it, but taken a leading role in initiating the cruelty. From us at The Daily Cannon, we thank you greatly for giving us content each day and keeping us employed.
Today, sound the cannon again, because we had ANOTHER double kill. Yet it wasn't quite the same as yesterday's story, where two people from the same friend group both died. Today, we have a genuine, bonafide double kill. As in one killer going on a rampage and eliminating two targets. In the span of about 30 minutes. Just thinking about it puts a smile on our faces.
Our serial killer of the day began by arranging a Yogurtland hangout with his/her target, Dorothy. The killer picked her up and drove towards their destination, but upon seeing that Dorothy had no spoon in her hand, the killer “felt super guilty” and couldn't bring him/her self to kill her. Humanity continued to haunt our killer as he/she hung out with Dorothy at Yogurtland. Fortunately, when they got into the car to head home, the killer finally came to his/her senses. Finally able to overcome the hurdle that was his/her compassion and loyalty, the killer channeled his/her savage instincts and killed Dorothy as she laid down her spoon to put on her seatbelt.
With no time to spare, the killer embarked on a mission to outpace the “Tab on Everyone” spreadsheet (which honestly isn't too hard to do because we're kind of slow at updating that thing, sorry...). Dropping Dorothy off at home, the killer sped over to Urbi's house. Urbi knew that her own killer was Dorothy and that the killer's target was Dorothy, but what she didn't know was that Dorothy was out of the game. Sly as Swiper the Fox, the killer told Urbi that he/she was going to meet with Dorothy in 15 minutes and needed a plan to take her out. The killer parked outside of Urbi's house and told Urbi to hop in (so that she wouldn't be on her own property anymore). They talked for 10 minutes or so and Urbi held on to her spoon... Until tragedy struck. For Urbi.
Urbi's mom and sister pulled up and came over to their car. The killer, along with Urbi's sister, began to tease Urbi about how she wouldn't trust him/her, even though Dorothy was “still alive”. Her sister, who didn't know otherwise, jokingly plucked the spoon out of Urbi's hand. But the joke escalated real quick when the killer took her out, right in front of her own family. Talk about a traumatizing experience. We're sorry you had to go through that. But not that sorry, because come on now. We're us.
Our hint for Immunity #6 revolves around the idea of vacation. Seem random, but hear us out. This Immunity will be taking place during the middle of March, a time when summer is still far away but when you aren't able to fully enjoy life because of a steady flow of homework as well as incoming college decisions. Stress lingers in the air, so we'll be bringing the relaxation to you.
For one day, we'll be transforming Lynbrook into the chillest campus around. It'll literally be like a beach, just without the sand. Or the water. Or the attractive, muscular guys (just kidding, Ramsey where you at). What we will see are the nice, cold drinks and an army of lawn or beach chairs. Perfect for unwinding and putting your mind at ease... If it wasn't for the fact that the whole purpose of this is for Spoons. Then it takes on quite the opposite meaning; in fact, it's a bit counterintuitive if you think of it that way. Oh well, at least we had the right intention. Until then!